Confession...of a secret obsession

I SI and I’ve realized I do it not only because I feel depressed or angry; specially about myself, but also because I like it, I mean, I really like pain, I enjoy hurting myself, i like to provoke others to hurt me, both physically and mentally...I do not know what to do, because I do not like to harm others but myself, the problem is that by doing this i hurt my beloved ones...
I feel very very ashamed… I want to stop it, but it is already an addiction, I want to talk this with somebody, but there is nobody listening, I...feel desperate, I want to end up this whole thing...including life… I can´t stand myself… I can´t stand the fact that I have everything and more, but still I’m not able to be happy, I’m so sick and tired of hiding this marks, to keep crying dust, I..I…have to admit also, that I love blood, I really love it, and I love to see it came out from my own wounds… I love to taste it, to drink it--- I’ m really ashamed of saying this, of acting like this, but it is true, I’m not seeking for any attention, in fact, no one knows about my secret obsession, this hateful addiction… I just feel so alone…
It is really hard to admit it… and it’s even harder to think that this condition of mine… has been present since so a long time ago… I remember being a little boy, who enjoyed making his parents angry, so they could scold me, so later I could cry and cry until I felt asleep, because I liked the way it felt… I remember that little boy who used to be angry all the time, and when his anger was bigger than usual, he punched his head with his little fists, he pulled his hair, he knocked his head with the walls… he strongly bit his lips and his tong, he closed his fists so tightly that his little fingernails left deep marks in his palms.

//eoz(author)//